Dig it. The Scoop...

Greetings Loyal wardens of the town watch that is the Havershiem Hammer Scoop!

I apologize for my absence, but there's been some compelling turns-of-events regarding campaign contributions, the selling of IL senate seats, and a peculiar pig farm on the outskirts of Prairie du Page, WI enshrouded in a constant mist, in which it is said that at night you can hear the plaintive wailings of a certain F.U.C.R. refugee, they mysterious Tex Brickley. As tantalizing as this story is, my writing is not yet complete, and I feel compelled to have a mid-season investigatory wrap-up of some of the highlights of the Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate.

First off, Rocky Sukiyaki.
Turns out that Rocky-real name Yukkotoshi Matsushita- has been rejected from Japan for his barely-below socially acceptable tastes. A former sumo wrestler going by the name Fuji Jim, Rocky operated in the underground Hentai Bukkake Leagues. Thanks to an investigation headed by myself, Jean Claude Van Damme and Stephen Segall, the League was busted up and Rocky packed his bags and headed for the U.S. But this pedophile story is played out, so that's all I got for Rocky.

Next up, Koschei the Deathless.

Turns out that "Koschei"- also known as Herman Munstburger- is actually under investigation for the death of his wife Wendy Munstburger. Wendy, a Marine reservist, did not report for duty in April of 2007. I'm still working on this dirt. Also, it has been found out that Herman dyes his hair black, and his real daughter "Janey" is pictured above. The model he hired for his stint in Frontier Anarchy is currently bargaining for more money for the deal.

And now,

the coup de grace.

Blackjack Billy, CEO of Frontier Anarchy Grappling Syndicate, is utilizing his newfound success to launch a new fragrance entitled "Billiam for Men". Expect advertising for this new line to pop up more and more in Frontier Anarchy televised and live events.

That's all you get for now loyal readers! I'll continue unearthing the Truth like a bloated stinking corpse, gas escaping from every perforation and orifice, filling the air with the sickly sweet stench of the Truth.

Hammer...

OUT!!!

Blackjack and Brickley: Who Carries Whom Through the FUCR Season

That's right D-Bags!

BJ and TB. Doesn't matter who's carrying whom, both little babies tugging at the stained skirts of Glorpp

Dirty Hands Leave Dirty Traces...

Greetings ladies and gentlemen.

I apologize for not keeping you up to date on the vile doings of the FUCR as it relates to the rest of the world. While vacationing in Fiji I was accosted by a number of spandex clad commandos and was held in a tiger trap, half submerged in an island cypress grove surviving on only a thin stew made of bamboo shoots, leaks, and six types of prawn. I won't bore you with the details of my miraculous escape, however, let me tell you that I was even more shocked to see what had been delivered to my Prairie du Page office during my absence.

Within a plain brown envelope, speckled with what appeared conspicuously as blood, I found a hand written memo describing a potentially earth shattering revelation. The contents of the letter are as follows:

Dear Ronnie.

It has been a long time my friend, too long. I have been following your progress sorting out the sordid underbelly of the infamos FUCR, known as being the most violent video game wrestling association since the Texas Instruments of Death Consortium was internationally condemned back in 1984. Known how wicked the FUCR can be, I hope this message finds you well. In relation, sources inside the White House have revealed to me some information that may aid you in your quest to bring down this most vile of sports. The following information I now put into your hands. It relates to secret congressional meetings that have not yet been revealed to the public, but may send shockwaves through the more violent areas of the Video Gaming Communit. Time will tell whether I am making the right decision in leaking this to you, God speed my friend.

CED

Attention Cpl. First Class XXXXXXXXXXXXX
In light of the increasing violence and perversity of the Video Game wrestling alliance know as the FUCR, sectors of the U.S. Government are targeting certain individuals for arrest and prosecution for involvement in public indecency, incitement to riot, crimes against the state, and crimes against minors. I leave this file in your hands. You know what to do. The pertinent informtion is as follows.

The Video Game Decency Act of 2008 was one of a handful of pieces of proposed federal legislation that failed to get traction in Congress last year in our struggle to reign in the increasing brutality and unwholesome nature of today's modern entertainment. But it is by no means an abandoned issue. In fact, Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan., recently resurrected Truth in Video Game Rating Act. Our man in Washington and the legislator behind the Video Game Decency Act is taking a second crack at the idea by resubmitting a functionally identical version of the bill to Congress in light of new revelations.

As reported by GamePolitics.com, Rep. Fred Upton, R-Mich., last week introduced the Video Game Decency Act of 2008 to the House of Representatives, where it was quickly referred to the House Committee on Public Decency and Standards. The bill aims to criminalize any attempt to obtain a less-restrictive age-related rating on a game by failing to disclose the game's (AND GAME RELATED EVENT'S) true contents to the Entertainment Software Rating Board.

The original bill was introduced in the wake of a high-profile, nationally televised FUCR event. The FUCR's 2nd Annual Charles Wheezleton Memoriale w/Cheese, which was broadcast on national television had prompted this action with its lewd depictions of violence, sex and scatalogical content. As the content was aired live, and the broadcast stations had received little information regarding the content, it may be that the FUCR will be held responsible rather than the broadcasters themselves. In light of this, the Video Game Decency Act is meant to "prohibit deceptive acts and practices in the content rating and labeling of video games and video game related events". Let me be clear Ronnie, this is a loophole act. As FUCR as an entity falls within the legal jurisdiction of video gaming, this will potentially have an enormous impact on the FUCR if this legislation finds its way to the light of day.

This legislation is an offshoot of the Family Entertainment Protection Act. Which called for a federal mandate enforcement of the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) ratings system for video games in order to protect children from inappropriate content.

Shortly after the airing of the Wheezleton Pay Per View, the HCPDS revealed that it already has the power to fine companies as much as $1 billion for not disclosing objectionable content. The board has also said it could punish repeat offenders by refusing to rate their games and events at all, effectively preventing their games from being carried by major U.S. retailers and venues.

Cpl. XXXXXXXXXXXXX, the FUCR, with a combined holding of well over $43 billion and a fan base numbering in the hundreds of millions is becoming an economic and cultural force that has burst the seams of our control, and may prove a threat to our national economy and security itself. we are putting our best men under you to investigate, and prosecute with extreme prejudice this threat to American values. We have come to the conclusion that acts such as the one described above will be the most efficient, and quiet, means of eliminating this threat. Option one was a litany of secret assassinations, cancer attacks, and road accidents. However, considering the high profile of the principle players, this was deemed innapropriate and counter productive. We must pull the teeth of this dragon, but let it remain a dragon. Albeit one under our control. We have options of negotiation that may include increased governmental scrutiny, censorships, and potentially an entire reorganization of the FUCR, all the while maintaining its integrity as an entertainment entity. In essence, we must chain the beast, and turn it towards our own goals.

You know what to do.

Gen. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX July 24th, 2008

Now, my understanding of a board is to ensure the financial solvency of an organization, and to protect the integrity and operations of an institution. If this is so, then the Board of Directors is responsible for the integrity of the FUCR. In relation, the statements made by Miss. Glorpp seem to fly in the face of this reasoning:

"We'll see who's "fucked shit up" when you're lying broke and penniless in the gutter... or working for some other shitty fantasy wrestling promotion!I drove the NWA into bankruptcy and I'm not afraid to do it to The FUCR as well!Mu-hu-ha-hahahahahahahaha!"

It would appear that Miss Glorpp's statements are antithetical to an organization. If it is one's intention of bankrupting an organization, then I would imagine that that person has automatically, and by definition, given up their rights to run an organizationl. I would suggest that the Board of Directors file a suit against Miss Glorpp on grounds of mental capacity to run an organization. And perhaps in the end of the day, she is still only eight, true? I don't believe that children have the legal right to make financial decisions or even to "run" an organization.

Hammer... out.

Dave Ken

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Count Dante and the Millionaire; Creepier by the day...

WHAT A SCOOP! This just in! This scoop is so barely legal it just plain isn't legal!

Count Dante, by his own admission, is a...

wait for it...

wait a little longer...

OK. Ready?..

Count Dante is...

...a Paedophile!!!

Straight from the dexterous fingers of the Count to his own personal blog, combined with the diligence and skill with which this reporter wields his craft, yours truly, Ronnie Havershiem has unearthed a bloated, gas-leaking corpse of TRUTH that may rock the FUCR!

According to the Count:
"I remember a hot night in Laos, 1974. I was there on leave, tending to some wounds I had received in a particularly difficult battle with the Vietcong. She was there on tour with some Soviet pro wrestling organization, I forget the name. We shouldn't have been... but we couldn't not be."

The "she" in question is none other than Sofya Trunchbull Vaginovskovitch, FUCR femme fatale. The blog goes on to say:

"Stars exploded behind my eyes and something magical was in the air. We both felt it. We both knew it. It had to be... and it was. Over and over and over again."

A not so anonymous source has indicated that according to this story written by the Count himself, and in consideration of Sofya's personal history, that Trunchbull was a spry young damsel of only twelve years of age at the time of this indecent encounter! Now, perhaps this kind of shennanickery is acceptable in a third world cesspool, but a fine country like ours has standards and morals.

Not only this, but in defense, and dare say I SUPPORT, of Dante's actions, the Kiddie Touchionaire had the following to say:

And what's so gross about it, that kind of shit happens every goddamn day in Laos. Was it fucking gross when 13 was the usual age for getting married back in the day? Not then.So why take something that happens normally in another counrty, bring it into the USA, than call it gross? What's the point of that?"

Apparently, what was perhaps a jungle-heat exhaustion lapse of judgement on the Count's part, is apparently just A-OK according to the Millionaire! In consideration of Dante's jungle, love-starved position many years ago, is it worse that the Millionaire sits in his air-conditioned office and supports such acts?! The Millionaire with millions appears to be like... well... it appears to be like giving a gun to a monkey.

Again, Havershiem is not here to judge, rather to educate. I think that this story may be my finest bit of investigative reporting, but I'll let the reader decide.

In conclusion, fucking gross.

Hammer... OUT!

Tex Brickley; In the process of losing his marbles?

This just in!!! Unreliable sources may have discovered the whereabouts of Tex Brickley over that past days and weeks! The disappearance from the FUCR scene of this veteran of the league has led to many unfounded accusations, none more so than that which you are about to read! However, sources say that Brickley was not on vacation getting a Brazilian bikini wax, but rather was spending his days lamenting the passing of the glory day's of Flint, Michigan's former theme park Autoworld.

Legend has it, that on warm summer nights, a figure can be seen drifting about the empty lot where the shitty shitty attraction used to stand. This figure, hunched over yet with an aura of power has been heard and seen wailing like an Irish banshee that's lost its lover. It is this reporter's opinion that this mysterious apparition is none other than FUCR manager Tex Brickley! Anonymous sources have also stated that a similar figure has been seen living in the old, busted up giant engine that once used to be a main attraction at autoworld. Further investigation has found that Tex Brickley had been sleeping (or wailing) night after night within the giant engine in it's final resting place where it was dumped, half submerged in the disgusting Flint River. Has Brickley lost it? We'll keep working on this story to confirm it's accuracy!