WHAT A SCOOP! This just in! This scoop is so barely legal it just plain isn't legal!Count Dante, by his own admission, is a...
wait for it...
wait a little longer...
OK. Ready?..
Count Dante is...
...a Paedophile!!!
Straight from the dexterous fingers of the Count to his own personal blog, combined with the diligence and skill with which this reporter wields his craft, yours truly, Ronnie Havershiem has unearthed a bloated, gas-leaking corpse of TRUTH that may rock the FUCR!
According to the Count:
"I remember a hot night in Laos, 1974. I was there on leave, tending to some wounds I had received in a particularly difficult battle with the Vietcong. She was there on tour with some Soviet pro wrestling organization, I forget the name. We shouldn't have been... but we couldn't not be."
"I remember a hot night in Laos, 1974. I was there on leave, tending to some wounds I had received in a particularly difficult battle with the Vietcong. She was there on tour with some Soviet pro wrestling organization, I forget the name. We shouldn't have been... but we couldn't not be."
The "she" in question is none other than Sofya Trunchbull Vaginovskovitch, FUCR femme fatale. The blog goes on to say:
"Stars exploded behind my eyes and something magical was in the air. We both felt it. We both knew it. It had to be... and it was. Over and over and over again."
A not so anonymous source has indicated that according to this story written by the Count himself, and in consideration of Sofya's personal history, that Trunchbull was a spry young damsel of only twelve years of age at the time of this indecent encounter! Now, perhaps this kind of shennanickery is acceptable in a third world cesspool, but a fine country like ours has standards and morals.
Not only this, but in defense, and dare say I SUPPORT, of Dante's actions, the Kiddie Touchionaire had the following to say:
And what's so gross about it, that kind of shit happens every goddamn day in Laos. Was it fucking gross when 13 was the usual age for getting married back in the day? Not then.So why take something that happens normally in another counrty, bring it into the USA, than call it gross? What's the point of that?"
Apparently, what was perhaps a jungle-heat exhaustion lapse of judgement on the Count's part, is apparently just A-OK according to the Millionaire! In consideration of Dante's jungle, love-starved position many years ago, is it worse that the Millionaire sits in his air-conditioned office and supports such acts?! The Millionaire with millions appears to be like... well... it appears to be like giving a gun to a monkey.
Again, Havershiem is not here to judge, rather to educate. I think that this story may be my finest bit of investigative reporting, but I'll let the reader decide.
In conclusion, fucking gross.
Hammer... OUT!
7 comments:
So Millionaire, how many holes do women usually have?
Millionaire...take your Jerry Lee Lewis bullshit back to Arkansas, or wherever it is that Jenny Glorpp parks her trailer these days and turn on the gas...breathe real deep...and do us all a favor....hey! Wait a second! Just exactly HOW old is Little Miss Jenny Glorpp anyways?!? Just because her disease has stretched out the rings of her tree a little, don't mean that she's 18 yet! Wasn't she age 8 last season? Do we really need a fucking peder-ass managing our champions, here in FUCR? I'd complain to Dante, but obviously we know where he lays on this subject! Oh Ebeneezzer Wheezleton...help us! You're our only hope!!!
When I first broke this story, I didn't realize the depths to which it would plumb. Even I am shocked by these turns of events!!!
Our legal team, in association with the detective abilities of Mr. Havershiem, are curently investigating these allegations.
All parties are considered innocent until proven guilty.
It was Vietnam man... you weren't there. You wouldn't know.
If a woman, supple and nubile as a Greek Goddess, tells you she's 27 - do you ask for ID?
If you've been lying face down in the muck, getting shot at day after day... listening to Jimi sing "All along the Watchtower" as your friends die around you... when the CIA spikes your C-rations with LSD until you see demons in the shadows...
Man, I don't know what day it was. Was it Laos 1974? Was it Baton Rouge 1816? Who are you to judge? Who am I? Who was she? Lying in that hospital bed, overcome with pain and fear and a golden angel whispered in my ear... who are you, Ronnie Havershiem? Where have you been? What have you seen?
In Soviet Russia, most women have 3 kids and are working on their second divorce by the age of 12. She could've been 32 for all I knew... the way she made love, I'd swear she was an immortal, letting me taste the sweet golden nectar from her tree...
You don't know man. You weren't there.
Ummm, hello? What's the legal age in Laos? 'Caus I no that in Lousiana, it's like 14 or somethin' Caus that's howscum my Millionaire aint been prosecuted or nothin. If we came up to Mishigen or wherever hes frum, we culdnt do it, so he just cums over to my place down south and let me tell you - he goes down south!
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