Greetings ladies and gentlemen.
I apologize for not keeping you up to date on the vile doings of the FUCR as it relates to the rest of the world. While vacationing in Fiji I was accosted by a number of spandex clad commandos and was held in a tiger trap, half submerged in an island cypress grove surviving on only a thin stew made of bamboo shoots, leaks, and six types of prawn. I won't bore you with the details of my miraculous escape, however, let me tell you that I was even more shocked to see what had been delivered to my Prairie du Page office during my absence.
Within a plain brown envelope, speckled with what appeared conspicuously as blood, I found a hand written memo describing a potentially earth shattering revelation. The contents of the letter are as follows:
Dear Ronnie.
It has been a long time my friend, too long. I have been following your progress sorting out the sordid underbelly of the infamos FUCR, known as being the most violent video game wrestling association since the Texas Instruments of Death Consortium was internationally condemned back in 1984. Known how wicked the FUCR can be, I hope this message finds you well. In relation, sources inside the White House have revealed to me some information that may aid you in your quest to bring down this most vile of sports. The following information I now put into your hands. It relates to secret congressional meetings that have not yet been revealed to the public, but may send shockwaves through the more violent areas of the Video Gaming Communit. Time will tell whether I am making the right decision in leaking this to you, God speed my friend.
CED
Attention Cpl. First Class XXXXXXXXXXXXX
In light of the increasing violence and perversity of the Video Game wrestling alliance know as the FUCR, sectors of the U.S. Government are targeting certain individuals for arrest and prosecution for involvement in public indecency, incitement to riot, crimes against the state, and crimes against minors. I leave this file in your hands. You know what to do. The pertinent informtion is as follows.
The Video Game Decency Act of 2008 was one of a handful of pieces of proposed federal legislation that failed to get traction in Congress last year in our struggle to reign in the increasing brutality and unwholesome nature of today's modern entertainment. But it is by no means an abandoned issue. In fact, Sen. Sam Brownback, R-Kan., recently resurrected Truth in Video Game Rating Act. Our man in Washington and the legislator behind the Video Game Decency Act is taking a second crack at the idea by resubmitting a functionally identical version of the bill to Congress in light of new revelations.
As reported by GamePolitics.com, Rep. Fred Upton, R-Mich., last week introduced the Video Game Decency Act of 2008 to the House of Representatives, where it was quickly referred to the House Committee on Public Decency and Standards. The bill aims to criminalize any attempt to obtain a less-restrictive age-related rating on a game by failing to disclose the game's (AND GAME RELATED EVENT'S) true contents to the Entertainment Software Rating Board.
The original bill was introduced in the wake of a high-profile, nationally televised FUCR event. The FUCR's 2nd Annual Charles Wheezleton Memoriale w/Cheese, which was broadcast on national television had prompted this action with its lewd depictions of violence, sex and scatalogical content. As the content was aired live, and the broadcast stations had received little information regarding the content, it may be that the FUCR will be held responsible rather than the broadcasters themselves. In light of this, the Video Game Decency Act is meant to "prohibit deceptive acts and practices in the content rating and labeling of video games and video game related events". Let me be clear Ronnie, this is a loophole act. As FUCR as an entity falls within the legal jurisdiction of video gaming, this will potentially have an enormous impact on the FUCR if this legislation finds its way to the light of day.
This legislation is an offshoot of the Family Entertainment Protection Act. Which called for a federal mandate enforcement of the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) ratings system for video games in order to protect children from inappropriate content.
Shortly after the airing of the Wheezleton Pay Per View, the HCPDS revealed that it already has the power to fine companies as much as $1 billion for not disclosing objectionable content. The board has also said it could punish repeat offenders by refusing to rate their games and events at all, effectively preventing their games from being carried by major U.S. retailers and venues.
Cpl. XXXXXXXXXXXXX, the FUCR, with a combined holding of well over $43 billion and a fan base numbering in the hundreds of millions is becoming an economic and cultural force that has burst the seams of our control, and may prove a threat to our national economy and security itself. we are putting our best men under you to investigate, and prosecute with extreme prejudice this threat to American values. We have come to the conclusion that acts such as the one described above will be the most efficient, and quiet, means of eliminating this threat. Option one was a litany of secret assassinations, cancer attacks, and road accidents. However, considering the high profile of the principle players, this was deemed innapropriate and counter productive. We must pull the teeth of this dragon, but let it remain a dragon. Albeit one under our control. We have options of negotiation that may include increased governmental scrutiny, censorships, and potentially an entire reorganization of the FUCR, all the while maintaining its integrity as an entertainment entity. In essence, we must chain the beast, and turn it towards our own goals.
You know what to do.
Gen. XXXXXXXXXXXXXX July 24th, 2008
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
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5 comments:
Ronnnie Ronnie Ronnie...You silly fool...the government can't help you now. Do me a favor...go back to season one and look at the roster. You will see all of the pugilists of this fine sport in all their "pixalated" videogame glory...now fast forward to the present. This is Fantasy Unlimited Championship Rasslin'...And much like Pinnochio, our rasslers are now real boys, who walk the parallel line between fiction and reality. That's why your little government drones have taken no action as of yet. Because they are powerless against us. Say your prayers, Haverscam...because you don't know just exactly what you have unearthed. Some consider a man who walks between two worlds a demon, and son, there is no incantation that can save you now, from the Hell which will cradle you to your grave...be warned...and run for your life!!!
Blackjack, you just don't get it do you? This is way bigger than you, this is way bigger than Dante, this goes all the way to the top. As they say boy, don't shoot the messenger, because that messenger may be the best friend you have.
You're in a war, and I may have just handed you the biggest gun you can carry. Instead of being a warrior and picking that weapon up and aiming it at your enemy you're just looking down the barrel wondering what that funny curved part does when you pull it. Careful boy, your influence won't get you anything in this game but a shallow grave and a crying momma.
Our son Gerald, being a huge supporter of these people, have asked us to look into this matter. We hereby offer our assistance to any members of FUCR that feel they would like to have someone in their corner. Shlotzky and Shlotzky has been representing video game athletes for over 7 years with an impeccable win record. We believe in the legal rights to pro video game athletes everywhere and making sure that they are protected by the law and not attacked by a perversion of it.
We hope to hear from any of you courageous managers in the near future.
I would appreciate a consultation Mr. and Mrs. Schlotzky. Please contact my secretary Jennifyr to schedule an appointment.
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