Dave Ken

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Count Dante and the Millionaire; Creepier by the day...

WHAT A SCOOP! This just in! This scoop is so barely legal it just plain isn't legal!

Count Dante, by his own admission, is a...

wait for it...

wait a little longer...

OK. Ready?..

Count Dante is...

...a Paedophile!!!

Straight from the dexterous fingers of the Count to his own personal blog, combined with the diligence and skill with which this reporter wields his craft, yours truly, Ronnie Havershiem has unearthed a bloated, gas-leaking corpse of TRUTH that may rock the FUCR!

According to the Count:
"I remember a hot night in Laos, 1974. I was there on leave, tending to some wounds I had received in a particularly difficult battle with the Vietcong. She was there on tour with some Soviet pro wrestling organization, I forget the name. We shouldn't have been... but we couldn't not be."

The "she" in question is none other than Sofya Trunchbull Vaginovskovitch, FUCR femme fatale. The blog goes on to say:

"Stars exploded behind my eyes and something magical was in the air. We both felt it. We both knew it. It had to be... and it was. Over and over and over again."

A not so anonymous source has indicated that according to this story written by the Count himself, and in consideration of Sofya's personal history, that Trunchbull was a spry young damsel of only twelve years of age at the time of this indecent encounter! Now, perhaps this kind of shennanickery is acceptable in a third world cesspool, but a fine country like ours has standards and morals.

Not only this, but in defense, and dare say I SUPPORT, of Dante's actions, the Kiddie Touchionaire had the following to say:

And what's so gross about it, that kind of shit happens every goddamn day in Laos. Was it fucking gross when 13 was the usual age for getting married back in the day? Not then.So why take something that happens normally in another counrty, bring it into the USA, than call it gross? What's the point of that?"

Apparently, what was perhaps a jungle-heat exhaustion lapse of judgement on the Count's part, is apparently just A-OK according to the Millionaire! In consideration of Dante's jungle, love-starved position many years ago, is it worse that the Millionaire sits in his air-conditioned office and supports such acts?! The Millionaire with millions appears to be like... well... it appears to be like giving a gun to a monkey.

Again, Havershiem is not here to judge, rather to educate. I think that this story may be my finest bit of investigative reporting, but I'll let the reader decide.

In conclusion, fucking gross.

Hammer... OUT!

Tex Brickley; In the process of losing his marbles?

This just in!!! Unreliable sources may have discovered the whereabouts of Tex Brickley over that past days and weeks! The disappearance from the FUCR scene of this veteran of the league has led to many unfounded accusations, none more so than that which you are about to read! However, sources say that Brickley was not on vacation getting a Brazilian bikini wax, but rather was spending his days lamenting the passing of the glory day's of Flint, Michigan's former theme park Autoworld.

Legend has it, that on warm summer nights, a figure can be seen drifting about the empty lot where the shitty shitty attraction used to stand. This figure, hunched over yet with an aura of power has been heard and seen wailing like an Irish banshee that's lost its lover. It is this reporter's opinion that this mysterious apparition is none other than FUCR manager Tex Brickley! Anonymous sources have also stated that a similar figure has been seen living in the old, busted up giant engine that once used to be a main attraction at autoworld. Further investigation has found that Tex Brickley had been sleeping (or wailing) night after night within the giant engine in it's final resting place where it was dumped, half submerged in the disgusting Flint River. Has Brickley lost it? We'll keep working on this story to confirm it's accuracy!

FUCR: Getting more FUCRed up? The answer is YES!

This just in! Reports have emerged that the FUCR manager "Millionaire" Matt Welz is in possession of a highly controversial cloning center located on one of his many island estates. Sources have yet to confirm this shocking allegation, but reports of hideous, malformed bodies washing up on tropical resorts near the island of Curacao have been consistent over the past months. It is this reporter's opinion that these sightings confirm the allegations of a secret cloning facility.

The Havershiem Hammer Scoop will be following this story as it developes. I, Ronnie, would ask my readers to consider the following:

Why would the Millionaire Matt Welz need such a facility? What purposes could it serve? Is the Millionaire part of some crazy cult, most likely in conjunction with Rev. Killjoy? Or perhaps the Millionaire is constructing a project to develop inhuman super soldiers... or rasslers???

Stay tuned. We're going down the rabbit hole people...

Sofya Trunchbull Vaginovskovitch; Nasty as she sounds? Getting Sacri-fist-oed on the side? Cheating on the saviour?

This just in!!!

Another layer of the stinking, rotten onion that is the FUCR has been revealed!

This intrepid reporter has been notified by a VERY INSIDE SOURCE... (ha ha! I stopped live streamcasting! You'll never know the source now!!!) that FUCR manager Sofya Trunchbull Vaginovskovitch has been having a torrid affair with one of her rasslers! Now, this reporter is not necessarily interested in the goings on of this sordid league aside from exposing the soggy parts that need to be aired out in the fresh air and sunlight of justice before they spore and spread their evil throughout the nation and inside the mind of every American child, but this story simply serves as another example of how disgusting and incestual this league truly is.

The photo seen here shows a very erotic (surprisingly in this reporter's view, considering her lascivious behaviour in and out of the ring) Trunchbull, clutching at the well tanned and toned teat of Sacriphisto, currently in her employ. Now, this brings up two questions:

1) Is it against any bylaws of the FUCR that a manager has relations with one's own rassler? I'm not too up to date on the rules of the FUCR, but in all decency this has to be a conflict of interest.

2) In consideration of various reports emanating from sources within Rev. Killjoy's "Honorarium Compound" in the grey hills of Wyoming (one of many the Rev. has entrusted to him by the Church), there is a possibility of a romance brewing between these two enemy managers.

Taking these questions into account, and considering that the facts keep rolling in regarding Trunchbull's disgusting perversity and brutality (it is rumored that her clit is big enough to penetrate a man, is this true Reverend?), this is not only of interest to those concerned with human decency, but is also a health and safety issue. Many children attend FUCR events and come into contact with copius amounts of bodily fluid throughout an event. In consideration of Rev. Killjoy's erotic crucifixion of Trunchbull, and the heavy amounts of "fluid" resulting during this oh-so-public of obviously well planned fetish acts, there appears to be more than a rumour going around regarding these two disgusting, disgusting human beings and their potential three way gangbang of decadence. VaginaJoyPhist, ugghhhh...

It is this reporter's intentions to bring these stories and questions out and into the public. The court of public opinion will decide what to do with these monsters. And in the opinion of this highly respected reporter, I hope that the public does to them what they did to Frankenstein. I mean his monster.

HAMMER... OUT!

Moist off the "Press" from the FUCR Underground!

This just in. Reports have been rolling in regarding the allegations of homosexuality concerning FUCR legendary manager "Blackjack" Billy! The following pictures, recieved from trustworthy inside sources seem to confirm the suspicions that at least one member of the FUCR may be indeed dallying with forbidden romances!

One source (I don't need to tell you it was an underpaid, temporary Mexican house servant, oh, wait, I just did, I need to stop stream-posting these blogs in real time), took the photo to the left in Blackjack Billy's Hidden Valley Ranch estate. The photo, taken in one of Blackjack's many "Roundup Rooms" appears to be of a young Blackjack and unidentified companion. Unfortunately this will be a onetime news source as the woman has not been heard from recently.

Furthermore, another source (with connections to members of Rev. Killjoy's Church... crap, I did it again...) supplied the Havershiem Hammer Scoop with the following photo taken from the Chicago Gay Pride parade in 1997. Blackjack (allegedly pictured second from right) allegedly not only took part in the parade, but was a significant underwriter for the pictured float. Insiders have traced an intricate web of finance and deceit within this particular story, as it is possible that money from the "Millionaire" Matt Welz's offshore estates were funneled into the coifers of Reverend Killjoy through political action committee donations, and then unbeknownst to the Millionaire, transferred to Blackjack's bank accounts under the auspices of one of Blackjack Billy's lesse known children's charities "Children, the Future's Consenting Adults of Today". We're following this story as it breaks.

On a final note, this reporter has received threats directly from the Blackjack Billy estate (see my blog for the proof!). But let me say, if I am injured or killed, know that there are literally ONES of reporters in the Greater Milwaukee and Prairie-du-Page area ready to step up, kick these tired old blood-sniffing bones to the side, and pick up that hammer where this man fell.

Well Truthseekers, and now truth FINDERS! I leave it up to you to decide. It's time to RISE AND HAMMER-SHINE!

That's all for now friends.

FUCR... Feelin' Up Cocks Rasslin'?

Stay tuned throughout the next few months as I expose the underbelly of the FUCR. Eden of corruption? Snake's pit of deception? Lair of infamy? OR TURKISH BATH HOUSE OF LUST???

It has come to this reporter's attention that the FUCR may be an underground hangout for rasslers "on the down low". As I investigate this scoop, you my fair readers, will be on the business end of the stank. A small peak at the posts will reveal the not-so-latent homoerotic undertones of this international sensation. What could be the consequences of this expose? Perhaps the conservative leanings of Hungary may lead to a revoking of that country's belt? Perhaps a good outing is just what this league needs. After all, we are all open minded members of the 21st century, and perhaps it is for the best that this league "comes out" of the shadows.

This underbelly is not only sordid, but sticky. Follow the journey as we go "under the skirts" to take a look at what happens behind the velvet curtains of the FUCR. Stay tuned dear Truthseekers!

Count Dante, History's Greatest Monster?

Greetings Truth seekers! This just in!

While most of you will have heard of the My Lai Massacre, most likely you are unaware that Count Dante (AKA John Timothy Keehan) was stationed in "The Nam" during this most shameful of American experiences. Not only was Count Dante "in the Shit", but he personally carried with him a body count of innocent civilians equal to or greater than Agent Orange itself! In the photo above, see Count Dante on the right, exiting an armored personnel carrier en route to killing babies at My Lai.

To be brief, on March 16th 1968 approximately 347 to 504 unarmed citizens of the Republic of Vietnam (South Vietnam), the majority of them women and children, were murdered by the U.S. Army. Some of the victims were sexually abused, beaten, tortured, or maimed, and some of the dead bodies were mutilated. We have all heard of the those on the ground such as Lieutenant Calley and Lieutenant Brooks, as well as the infamous General William C. Westmoreland, MACV, who congratulated the unit on the "outstanding job".

Yet, there is a coverup that goes even coverup-ier! As I'm sure you've guessed, there is one piece missing from the puzzle! Enter Count Dante, pictured below in sunglasses next to General Westmoreland. As it turns out, Count Dante not only served in some of Vietnam's "the Shit-iest" battles, but he was an advisor to Gen. Westmoreland. Sources have confirmed that not only did Count Dante participate in the My Lai massacre, but that he planned the entire strategy of terror and murder in the region.

Well folks, again we see that Count Dante is a murdering killer, or a killing murderer, but he can't be both! Or can he??? Yes, he can! Ebeneezer Wheezleton did save the Count's life in the Nam, but the details have always been elusive.

I, as a highly respected member of the Milwaukee media, and the Wisconsin region's 67th most-read news blog, call upon Ebeneezer Wheezleton to open up that vault and explain the truth about Count Dante's actions in the Nam! The pieces fall down and together my intrepid friends! And this story will not go away!